H1N1 and getting sick

Seems as of late, every one of us IF’ers who has gotten pregnant has posted about the H1N1 shot. I’m likely going to get it and the only things that have stopped me to date are:

1) I’m barely 6 weeks on Tuesday. Shouldn’t I wait until I’m a little further along before I get it? Of course, then I tell myself, it’s the beginning of flu season and if I wait until 12 weeks, I’ll likely either have gotten H1N1 or slipped through the cracks (in that case, very lucky).

2) My daughter got the regular flu vaccination the first week of school and it made her sick. Miserably congested for 2 weeks. Now, she didn’t have a fever, no body aches, and she was able to go to school and function. A big improvement over getting the flu. But…we don’t usually get sick around here. I haven’t had so much as a cold in a year and a half. So, I keep asking myself, why protect myself against something I tend not to get anyhow, and perhaps make myself in the process, when chances are good I would never have gotten sick without it?

But, I decided to get it anyhow. My daughter got the nasal spray, not the injection. Much more likely to get symptoms with the live virus. So, yesterday I decided that on Monday I would call Kaiser and find out about getting the vaccination for Short Stuff and myself.

Today, I started a runny nose. I hope it’s just the beginnings of a cold and nothing more. Can I even get the vaccination if I’m ill with something else? And Short Stuff doesn’t want the vaccination if she doesn’t have to because of her crappy experience with the seasonal flu vaccine. Technically, if I get the vaccine, aren’t I protected no matter what? So, if she wants to risk getting it, and I’ve protected myself, is it safe for me to let her make her own call? She’s nearly 14, it’s her body, it’s not required by the schools, and I tempted to let her make the call. What do you think?

Irritation

Not sure if it’s completely to be blamed on the pregnancy hormones, but I must say, my irritation level with PB the past few days has been…high. I’m fine and then he does something and it just sets me off. I have my little tirade and then I’m fine. On one hand I feel bad, on the other, it’s stuff I usually get super-irritated about and repress. The difference is that the repression button seems to be broken. To some degree, I feel as though I should apologize, but only for the presentation of the information, and I’m afraid the content of the tirade will get erased with the apology, if that makes sense. That added to the fact that, in all the time I’ve known him, he’s never once apologized to me makes it rather difficult to march back into the kitchen and say “I don’t apologize for the content, but I’m sorry I delivered the message so harshly.”

Sounds so immature to say that. He never does, so why should I? But it feels like it puts me in the submissive position and puts him in a dominant one. I believe in equal partnerships. I am submissive to no one. If he doesn’t feel the need to apologize to me, then he must not ever expect an apology, right? Golden rule and all that. Though…if that’s the case, I do expect apologies, so I should go apologize…even though I know it will be a cold day in hell before I ever get one in return.

*Update: yes, I apologized. I always do. Others behaving badly isn’t excuse for me to do the same. See? I’m a bigger person than you thought. *

School and such

Not much baby news to report. I’m nauseous, I’m bloated, I’m crampy, I’m thankful.

School started Thursday and I was a little terrified about the workload because of the two courses. So far, so good. I managed to be lazy Thursday and Friday, mostly only doing the readings (ok, entirely), and still managed to get everything done today that was needed. I also feel quite comfortable with the work due for the rest of the week. Again, thankful.

In terms of school, I’m only half way through. I’m honestly a little scared about the concept of having a newborn (or newborns!) and trying to complete school. I know, I know, I’ve seen the stories of mothers of small children, pregnant with twins, who give birth and pass the bar exam a week later. Good for them at being such masters of time and space. I simply don’t wish to live that hectic of a life.

Fortunately, we’re due in July. School gets out in late May/early June and starts up again mid-September (obviously going summer semester is out of the question). That’s a decent chunk of time off. And if I stick to only one course at a time, I can probably manage it and maybe keep my wits about me. But it scares me. Where in this picture do I get to sleep? Eat? Leave the house? Breathe?!?!? But, it would be rough to try and swing the student loan payments what with new baby expenses (maybe for two even!), and I have to finish. What if something happens to PB and I have to go back to work? I need that degree as back up. If I take a year off, would it really be any better when they were toddlers or would it be even worse?

I don’t know what the answer is, but I suspect it’s going to be to stay in school. I gotta do what I gotta do and we’ll figure it out. Thank goodness I have until February, when FAFSA has to be submitted,  to figure it out. Guess it’s nice to be worrying about that rather than trying to get pregnant. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.

Baby Widget Frustration

Ok. I’m seriously about to lose my mind trying to figure this out on my own so I’m begging…anyone with a wordpress account who knows how to do this, please let me know.

As most of us know and have seen, babystrology.com has a totally cute pregnancy countdown ticker. I’m not ready to put it up yet (cause I don’t know how many babies to put in, if there are heartbeats, etc.), but I’ve been playing around with it for when I am ready to put it up. Problem is, I can’t get the stupid thing to work anywhere on the blog. The text widget says it will accept HTML, but when I paste it in there and hit save, it eliminates the java code or in the case of flash, erases the whole thing. Useless. Is it simply not possible to use this ticker on wordpress? If so, I scream weak sauce!!! I want that darn widget. Help, please.

*Update: This widget requires java or flash, both of which wordpress considers a security risk. So…can’t use it on wordpress (blogspot seems to have no issue with it!). Weak sauce!*

Mom’s visit

As you know, we’ve opted to wait until we’ve reached 8 weeks before sharing with anyone, family and friends included. I’m not sure why we landed on 8 weeks rather than 12 (which is certainly when a greater safety marker is reached). Maybe because by then we’ll have seen a heartbeat(s), and have a better idea of how things really are going with the pregnancy. Plus, 8 weeks means only waiting 4 weeks to tell which is much easier to reasonably manage.

Initially, I thought keeping it a secret wouldn’t be too difficult. I don’t work outside of the home, I attend school online, and I don’t have a lot of close friends that are around all the time. Also, in terms of family, while my parents live only 45 minutes away, it isn’t unusual for 2 months to go by without seeing or talking to them. The large gaps in communication aren’t indicative of family issues or in-fighting, it’s just how we are. None of take it personally, and we talk about it several times a year. It’s just part of how our family operates. Weird for some, normal for us.

So, doesn’t seem a 4 week delay in sharing the news would be all that difficult. Still, I decided not to share our IVF timeline with anyone because too much information makes some people (my mom) curious and I knew she would hound me for information. All was going well until she showed up shortly after ER (I think it was the day after). She and my dad were going on a week long camping vacation and I had borrowed one of dad’s staple camping shirts so she came to pick it up. Of course, I was supposed to be on bedrest, and I was extremely bloated and uncomfortable. Point being, I was going to have to explain myself. Not being that big on lying, I told her we had just had the egg retrieval. I’m positive that was the first step towards my undoing.

I didn’t share anything else with her at that time. Not what came next, not timing, not anything. No need to feed the fire.

The Monday after returning from vacation, she called to let me know they were back. This in itself is very suspicious. They go on vacation all the time, and she never calls me to tell me they’re back. And while we can go months without talking and that’s ok, failing to return a call or email within 24 hours is not. I knew, I just knew, she was going to ask me if we knew anything yet (which of course we did because it was the day of beta #2) even though I had told her previously we weren’t sharing anything until we were good and ready, so please don’t ask. Of course, she asked. And rather than lie, I said “If and when we know something that we are comfortable sharing, we will, but no matter what we won’t be telling anything until we are at least 8 weeks pregnant. No exceptions.” Same thing I’ve told her a million times. Somehow, she manages not to hear me.

So then I think…only 4 more weeks. I can avoid her for that long, right? Wrong. It’s the holidays. We have to figure out who is going to host which holiday where and who is coming. She and I had discussed this during that phone call, but had to talk to the hubbies about it all. So, I decided to email her (so much safer than calling) and let her know we were solid on our end. We’d love to host Thanksgiving (when we plan on sharing the good news).  She emails back and says Christmas at their place is great, and I think it’s the end of it.

Around 5:30 last night, she calls and says she’s dropping by on her way home from work to return all the hand-me-downs I had given them for my quasi-SIL (bro’s long-time girlfriend). Funny, they’ve had those since, gosh, February? And I’ve asked for them repeatedly (primarily because I wanted my storage bins back!). Now, all of a sudden, she needs to drop them off (in a cardboard box  – good thing I counted my bins as gone a long time ago). Very convenient (suspicious) timing, aye?

As soon as PB leaves for his softball game, she packs up to go and then just has to ask: “Do we know anything yet?”

Somewhat frustrated, and smirking I respond, “Mom, when we know something we’re comfortable sharing we will.”

I think she sensed my tone because she guiltily said “Well, I was just asking because maybe it didn’t work”.

“If if didn’t we’ll let you know when we’re ready”.

I know my mom. The second I told her about the ER, she got online and researched everything she could about timelines and what not. She’s a smart lady, and a very curious one. If curiosity really did kill the cat, my mom wouldn’t have lasted long in this world, I assure you. I remind myself that she’s just eager to hear good news, to know that our battle is over, and probably excited at the prospect of having more of her own grandchildren (aside from my daughter, all her grandkids are, in reality, step-grandkids, though they aren’t treated that way). But I feel I’ve made it very, very clear how this is going to play out.

We’ll tell when we’re ready. And I’m getting very frustrated at having to be repeatedly forced into deception. I feel like my wishes aren’t being respected. This isn’t about anyone but PB and I, and while it affects others, it affects us most profoundly and I won’t be guilted or pushed into telling before we’re good and ready. Honestly, every time she asks, it takes some of the excitement out of telling.

In my mind I had this vision of how we would reveal the news on Thanksgiving, but the reality is, she will ask me about it shortly after they show up. And that’s seriously going to irritate me for the day. Even though I know she’s holding back, that she’s not pushing nearly as hard as she would like, I’m still so frustrated that she’s pushing at all. I know she loves me. So why can’t she just respect my wishes, stop asking questions, and accept that we’ll say what we have to say when we’re ready to? She’s really taking the wind out of my sails.

Beta #3

First, I want to start off by saying, please go visit Unconventional Journey and give her support and hugs. Today was not an easy day for her and she could use all the support the universe has to offer.

As for me, beta #3 was this morning. Susan said they look for levels between 1000 and 1500 at this stage in the game. Mine was 3727. She said a fabulous number to be sure, and our first ultrasound is set for Friday, November 13th at 11:15am PST. Some may see that date as a bad omen, but 13 is actually one of my very favorite numbers.

Not sure what the high beta number means other than it’s pretty high. I threw my numbers into babymed’s little hcg calculator and here’s what I got:

We’re not astronomically high, but definitely on the high side. When I told PB, he was kinda funny about it.

PB: “Well, is that bad? I mean, health wise, is it ok for you that it’s that high? What does that mean long term?”

Me: “A high HCG level can mean a couple of things. It could mean that we have a very strong and healthy singleton. Could possibly mean both Sea Monkey and Niblet made it. It’s really hard to tell because what is normal for one person isn’t necessarily normal for another and with nothing to compare to, we don’t know what’s normal for me. There have been people with average, even below average levels who end up with twins, and people with much, much higher levels who find themselves pregnant with only one. But I don’t think there is any health risk for me or the baby(s) in my HCG levels being so much higher than their normal range.”

So, a week from tomorrow, we’ll know: one baby or two. At 6 w3d, we should see heartbeats. We’ll know if the pregnancy is intrauterine or something much less desirable. If all goes well, we’ll have more pics to add to the fridge. And, we’ll know it’s ok to tell our families on Thanksgiving. Finally.

For now, things really couldn’t be better. I’m not sure why we got so lucky, but I am perpetually sending infinite thanks out to the universe. May this trend of good news continue.

 

The school bell rings

Well, almost. Classes start tomorrow and I have a full load since I had to ditch that horrible instructor last session. Only 2 courses, but covered over only 6 weeks, so pretty intense. Fortunately, it looks they are both going to be bearable in terms of workload. They posted everything last night, well in advance, so I have an opportunity to get a head start…but man am I struggling to find the motivation. I’ve tasked myself with at least reading a few chapters today, and I will. Just have to get myself psyched up for it.

PB on the other hand, wraps up his class today and then he’s off for 6 weeks. A very good thing because he can pick up the slack.

Finally, we’re having Thanksgiving at our house this year. PB wasn’t very happy about that decision since we were originally slated to go to his Dad’s, but admits that my arguments were so strong as to give him no choice. The downside of having family up and down the west coast, and being a child of divorce is…holidays can be a little tricky anyways. Add a full load of coursework, early pregnancy and pregnancy related appointments to the mix and it’s even trickier. Ah, well. When  you’re married, you can’t spend all holidays with all family. Compromise is the name of the game (nasty little word isn’t it?).

In baby news, I have nothing to report. However, tomorrow is beta #3…feels like a monumental day. Keeping my fingers crossed that all is well in the womb world.

5 weeks and fun with skin

Approximately 35 more weeks to go. We’re 12.5% way through already.

Last week I signed up for BabyCenter’s weekly update. Today I got the email about what it means to be 5 weeks, what the baby looks like, how it’s developing, all that good stuff. Then I open up my latest version of “A Child is Born” by Lennart Nilsson and enjoy all the pics marked 5 weeks. During this week, my baby’s (or babies’) brain is starting to grow and it’s heart is beginning to beat. It’s the size of a sesame seed (compared to last week’s poppy seed). And as unmotherly as this may sound, when I look at the pictures, I think, it kind of looks like an old-fashioned clothespin, but a fleshy one. This whole baby baking thing is absolutely astonishing when you really think about it.

I must admit, I’ve been a little worried the past few days. No blood or anything, just some weird twinges on my left side. Probably it’s just my ovary, but the dreaded word ectopic comes to mind every time the twinge returns. According to the net, chances of feeling any symptoms this early are slim to none. Generally they manifest in the 6-8 week range. Most people get diagnosed with an ectopic before they have any sense that anything is really wrong. So, I’m sure that’s not it. But I can’t help but wish the ultrasound was a little sooner.

Beta #3 is on Thursday and oddly, I’m more nervous for that one than I was for the initial results. What if my number aren’t rising properly? We may have gotten brilliant news last week, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still get devastating news. So this morning I POAS’d again, and the digital said pregnant as it should, and the dipstick had two dark, dark lines before the urine was even done passing to the other end. That must be good news. I don’t know numbers, but I know the levels have increased since last week and that has to be good.

Other than the norm, I have noticed a few new symptoms. My hair is super greasy. Normally I shower every other day. Yes, I realize that may gross some of you out, but the reality is, according to my doctor, it is bad for your hair and skin to bathe every day. If you have body odor issues or if you work out every day or have a really dirty job, then obviously bathing every day is a must. None of those apply to me and I have extenuating circumstances – I have dandruff (cause that’s not embarrassing to admit!) and more importantly I have eczema.

Cleansers are extremely aggravating to my skin which happens to be extremely reactive. I’ve had eczema all my life. For many, many years, it was only on my arms, legs,and hands. Even when I wasn’t dealing with an active breakout, my skin was so dry, my hands would crack and bleed. As I got older, I started to get it less and less, and the patches would be much smaller but more widespread. I’d have them on my torso, sometimes on my neck. Then about four years ago, during a period of very high stress, I started getting it on my face, mostly on my eyelids.

It presented differently so I didn’ t know that’s what it was, and I thought it would go away on it’s own. Long story short, after it got so bad that my eyelids were raw and one of my eyes swelled shut, I finally went to the doctor and he explained it was eczema and that while it was triggered by stress, once the cat’s out of the bag, there’s no getting it back in. There is no cure and for my whole life, there had been no sufficient treatment. The only thing available was steroid creams.

Now, the idea of using a steroid cream on a regular basis isn’t appealing, but that is especially the case when it doesn’t really work. Sure, it calms things down a bit, but it heals nothing. At least not for me. One of the huge downsides is, it thins your skin. Your eyelids are already very, delicate and thin so using steroid cream over long periods of time can lead to permanent redness or even make your eyelids appear somewhat translucent. So I was thrilled to hear of a new cream called Elidel that contained no steroids and was developed specifically for facial tissue. And it worked like a charm! Man was I ever excited to discover that stuff.

However, I was not excited about the fact that I couldn’t wear makeup anymore. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Never. My skin was on fire as I applied it, and the rash and swelling were guaranteed by the end of the day. Takes days to clear up and the worst really is, well, all of it. My eyelids are red and flaky and the skin is weepy and itchy and constantly burning. Seriously, totally unlike eczema anywhere else. So I lived without make up for several years to avoid it. Looking good wasn’ t worth the pain. (Then Physician’s formula came out with their organic line and as long as I wear it only once in awhile, I’m ok. Great stuff!).

So back to my point. One of the other things that aggravates eczema is constant bathing and just about any kind of cleanser. So, you can go on ahead and think it’s disgusting that I shower every other morning instead of every day, but if you had my skin, you’d know a lot more about skin health, and you might find that giving up showering every day is a price worth paying to not have your skin on fire every day, to not look like a Halloween mask or something out of a horror film.

Oh, right…I said back to my point. So, now that I’m pregnant,  my hair is way greasy. Like I shower in the morning and by afternoon it’s getting shiny. By the next morning…it’s just plain gross. I generally don’t feel gross until the end of a long camping weekend. Only now that’s how I feel 24 hours after a shower. I couldn’t take it so  I’ve been showering every morning. And guess what. I’ve got small eczema patches on my back and arms (tolerable) and my eyelids are red and on fire. Yeah me.

So I email my doctor (regular, not RE) to ask if I can use the Elidel. It hasn’t been tested on pregnant women so he recommends I go back to the steroid cream until I hit the 12 week mark. The steroid cream that doesn’t work. The steroid cream that eventually leads to see-through eyelids. And like I want to pump my developing baby(s) up with steroids? I know it’s topical, that it’s a small amount (not like taking oral steroids or anything), but I guess I’ll just suffer for now. But I feel like I’m stuck in a catch 22. If I shower every day, against doctor recommendation, then I’m stuck with this mess on my face and no remedy, but if I don’t…my hair looks like someone dumped a tub of vegetable oil on it. And really, I can’t win because the rash won’t go away until I treat it.

Yes, I realize the silver lining is: I’m having to deal with this because I’m pregnant. So it’s well worth it.

And, as it turns out,  at least I can take Pepto-Bismol for indigestion after all, which is my wonder drug. So that’s something.

Now I remember…

Earlier I mentioned I couldn’t remember what I had originally intended to post about today. Moments ago, I remembered.

So, I have to confess something. After “leaving” the boards a few weeks ago (maybe more than a month ago?), I’ve gone back. Not every day, and not until the BFP. The thing is, there are some women on the boards that I care about, and I didn’t exactly announce my departure. I’d like see how they are getting along and since they don’t blog (far as I know!), the boards are it. Well, except for email of course, but it seems everyone is more comfortable with messaging through the board.

Anyhow, after the BFP, there were people I wanted to share the news with so I posted it. I’d been on there for months, several times a day, being supportive and actively participating…it seemed fair to me that I should be able to make the “I’m pregnant!” post. At least my board friends would know then. And I’ve gotten responses mostly from them which I’ve really appreciated and caught up a little bit with a few of them. I have not gotten sucked back in.

The thing is, I feel kind of guilty about it. Like I’ve gone back to an old lover who I know is bad for me. Mostly I know he drags me down more than he lifts me up, but I remember those positive attributes and seek them out. Such a typical girl! But the truth is…some of them, if only a few, really held me up early on. Most of them still haven’t achieved pregnancy, and when they do, I want to know about it, and I want to cheer them on. And for some reason, it was important that I share my news with them. Yet, I feel like a cheat for going back. An imposter. Now how weird is that?

Nothing special really

Ever have one of those days where in one moment you know exactly what you’re to write about for the day, but the minute you find the time, you can no longer remember what it was? Today is one of those days.

Admittedly, I’m sort of at a loss as to what to write these days. I have epiphanic moments and then…gone. What I’m left with is nothing of much interest. Shall I spend every day talking about pregnancy symptoms? Certainly not! How about all the weird possibilities that race through my mind from day to day? Well, I’ve likely already mentioned those. The same train of thought on a loop really. Continuing to rehash it would be boring at the top of it’s game wouldn’t it?

One week ago today we got the awesome news. As much as one whole week? Or only one week? Depends on the moment really. I’m not quite sure when it’s really going to start feeling real to me. I mean, it does feel real, but sort of like…I won the lottery real. You’ve got the big paper check, but you’re still waiting for the real thing to materialize in your hands. Until you can spend it, you’re one step closer to the dream, but you haven’t fully achieved it. Know what I’m saying?

One of the things that keeps coming to mind is how I found a place in the blogosphere despite worrying that there was no place for me. Since I have a child, I have secondary infertility and though I’m sure there are many a blog out there regarding that specific type of IF, I’ve yet to find any that really hit home for me. And frankly, that may have a lot to do with the fact that my daughter was conceived 14 years ago. I have failed to come across anyone with that type of an age gap. I’ve come across a lot (like a sickening amount) of IF’ers who lay very, very heavy judgment on teenagers or pretty much anyone who had the gall to get pregnant accidentally. Since I was 19 when I got pregnant accidentally, not only did I feel like having a child minimized my chances of being accepted into the community, but I was quite sure the whole pregnant at 19 thing would be the final nail in my coffin, that I would find myself an outcast in the community.

One day very soon, I’m going to write a good long post about the whole pregnant at 19 thing as I have to say, it really, really pisses me off. But for now what I want to say is: there is no way I could have known how wrong I was. What a wonderful surprise to find such a fantastic group of supportive, accepting and understanding IF’ers. I don’t think the overwhelming sense of gratitude will ever wane. If I haven’t said it enough before: thanks. You’re the greatest.