The unexpected

It’s been a few days. Just haven’t had anything IF related to talk about, or anything that really seemed worth mentioning. Two hours ago I was going to post about my unexpected stick-to-it-iveness in terms of health goals, so I’ll start there.

Perhaps this is boring to everyone else, but it’s pretty exciting for me. 4 of the past 5 days I have exercised for at least 40 minutes. I realize for a lot of people, this is status quo, but it’s way better then when I started exercising a few months before the IVF. Then my goal was 30 minutes, 3-4 times a week. So, I’m feeling pretty darn proud of myself at the moment, and hoping to keep the momentum going. I’m going to aim for 3 days on, 1 day off, at least 40 minutes a day, working up to 60. A week ago, I would have thought that a lofty goal, but it’s feeling very possible right now.

Just like last time, when I got into a groove, I’m feeling really good. I’m already sleeping better, have more energy, and have a more positive attitude as well. Maybe it’s the endorphins. Maybe it’s feeling like I’m in control of something in my life. Or maybe it’s just being happy that I’m doing something good for myself, and have found an unexpected joy in doing it. I’ll take it however it comes.

In addition to the exercise routine, I’m watching what I eat again. Yes, I’m sort of counting calories, but more importantly, I’m paying attention to the quality of what I put in my mouth. I wouldn’t mind dropping about 5lbs, definitely working towards a slimmer middle (just because I’m not overweight doesn’t mean I like being able to pinch an inch!), but mostly I want to eat healthy, to put things into my body that are working for me instead of against me, ya know?

To do that, I’m back to using this site called MyFoodDiary.com. It costs a little, but the free ones out there aren’t as inclusive. So, I pay a little and I get an online tool that helps me track most of the things that are important (food diary, nutritional information about what I’m eating, daily exercise log, water intake, etc.), let’s me set goals for weight (gain or loss) and water intake, tells me how to reach those goals, and how what I’m doing every day works towards those goals (too much salt, you met your water goal today, exceeded vitamin A intake, etc.). I find it very helpful. It’s also rather eye-opening.

Eating right isn’t really that easy. For me, it isn’t really a problem with portion control (except maybe fudge bars lately – it’s always something). PB constantly teases me that I have a stomach the size of a yogurt cup because that’s about how much food I can consume in one sitting. Portion control is naturally determined in my case. What I find hard is balancing things, finding foods that bring something good to the table in terms of taste and nutrition. I don’t eat unless it sounds good, no exceptions (except during pregnancy, of course). Then, even with that hurdle crossed, a balanced diet isn’t that easily achieved, at least for me.

I always end up high on carbs, high on sugar, and sometimes high on sodium (usually I’m only slightly over on these things or I’d be big as house and wouldn’t have low blood pressure). Problem is I’ve learned too much about vitamin and mineral intake. It’s dangerous to have too much iron or too much vitamin A, and with a prenatal or regular multivitamin already meeting so much of those needs (if not exceeding them), I’m over on the vitamin A every time I pick up an orange, steam some spinach, or fix up some low sodium vegetable soup. The point is: to avoid going over on the vitamins, I end up avoiding foods that contain what I’m over on…which means I end up over on something else (salt, sugar, carbs, saturated fat). I’ve considered quitting the vitamins, but if I don’t take the vitamins, I’d be falling below requirements for tons of other things. So, what’s a girl to do?

The upside is, I’m making healthier choices. I’m reading labels again, and trying not to bring home food that doesn’t do anything for me. And eating out just one meal would blow my whole day, so unless I’m taking a day off (which I probably will at least once a week), I’m eating at home. A good thing for my budget as well. Overall, I’m feeling good on the health front. Like I’m making good progress and can stick to it. Nice to feel really good about something again.

On the IF front, I’ve started bleeding again. Well, bleeding may not be right. There was blood. More than spotting, and too early to tell if it’s a fluke or not. But 8 days in the clear, and here I am again. As I understand it, I have to go 20 consecutive days with no bleeding of any sort before flow counts as a normal cycle. So, I was 12 days away from being in the clear, and expecting my cycle…and now I’m in the lurch again. Now I have to wait for it to stop, and then start counting again. I can feel a December 2010 baby slipping between my fingers as we speak. But you know what? I’m disappointed, but I’ll live.

I can’t let myself get hung up on dates. Yes, the longer I have to wait, the more frustrating it becomes. I won’t kid myself on that front. But I feel confident there will be a 2011 baby for us. What’s another month, right? January 2011 is just as good as December 2010, isn’t it? Again, I’ll take it where I can get it. Stressing out isn’t going to help the situation, and I have no control over this. I repeat, I have no control over this. Somehow, I have to find a way to be at peace with that. I’m learning. To let go. To let things be. To let things happen in their own time. In the meantime, I’m going to live my life, and get ready for what’s to come.

* P.S. For those of you with loss experience: does this reoccurrence of blood (brown, so it’s old not new) mean I can’t take a bath? I was supposed to be able to starting last night but didn’t get around to it, and I really want to tonight if I can!

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