Yesterday, I was musing in my head about the fact that today would be the 3 week mark of our loss, and the fact that, somehow, I actually hadn’t thought about it in a day or so. At that discovery, I felt so ashamed of myself, like I was already forgetting, like somehow discovering some sense of healing or peace even for a day, so soon after our loss, meant I was a bad person, a bad mother, that I didn’t love my baby enough. It felt horrible to know that I had already had a good day.
My psyche is already placing that pain in “the box”, preparing it for burial deep down, out of my conscience mind’s line of “vision”. Helping to move on, to move forward. Over it? No. Not that. It will never be that. But I’m making my way through it, and even though it makes me feel horrible that I’ve already gotten this far into the process without even having realized it, that guilt is accompanied by a strange sense of reassurance. I am resilient. I am strong. I have it in me to meet this demon – IF – in battle, to face it down, to beat it. It has already robbed me of so many things, but it cannot take my will. No matter what happens at the end of this road, IF cannot win because I will not let it have me.
I wasn’t sure I would write today, but then I read this post by Waiting for Sunflower, and went to the embedded link. And I cried. I’m still crying. For her, for myself, for everyone who has experienced loss, and for the seemingly hopeless hope. How do you experience loss in this journey and not fret about every moment of the next pregnancy? At least every moment up until that fated moment when you found out…it’s all over. My baby is gone. Not lost, but dead.
After this loss, I thought, in the next pregnancy, should we get there, I’ll restlessly, impatiently, worriedly count the days until I reach two or three milestones. The first will be the gestational date our baby measured when it stopped growing: 10w3d. The second will be the date we found out we lost our baby: 12w1d. At this point, if all is well, I had thought I would breathe a huge sigh of relief. Still, I would count towards 24w because that is supposed to be the stage of viability. Not the safety zone, but a better place. A place where there is a chance, where hoping isn’t hopeless. But now, I’m not so sure.
Before I had experienced loss myself, there were only a few blogs I read where the bloggers had experienced a loss. I hurt for them, was shocked at what they’d had to go through. Saw one of them, having gone through a late-term loss of twins, walk away from her blog in the end because she saw it was hurting the ones she loved most, having that pain out there perhaps. So raw. So unbelievable. But as much as I felt for them, I couldn’t really begin to understand until I’d experienced loss myself. I’ll never know their pain, just as they’ll never know mine, but we all hurt, and now I understand that hurt better than I ever wanted to.
Now that I’m reading more blogs associated with loss (and I’m reading a lot more since LFCA is now in my reader), I feel a kinship, but also feel I’ve been hit by this sad realization: the only date that matters, the only date worth keeping my eye on, is the due date. Anything can happen from conception to that point. Hell, it can happen the day of the birth. Babies are lost at all stages of gestation as well as after birth. There is no safety zone. There are things we can do to minimize our chances, but there are never, ever any guarantees.
I feel bad writing that. As a woman who would like to be pregnant again, I wouldn’t want to read that, to think about that, if I were actually pregnant. But because I’ve experienced this loss, I will think about it. Not even pregnant yet, and I think about it. And while it may seem daunting, crushing, saddening, it’s also enlightening.
I did the best I could. There is nothing I could have done to have prevented what happened. Yes, it’s more common in early pregnancy, but all along the way, there are no guarantees. It’s depressing, yes. Scary, for sure. I don’t like being helpless, or imagining myself, or anyone, having to go through the horrid, awful, visceral pain that comes with loss. But when I’m pregnant again, I am going to try to remember this because, if there is nothing I can do, I may as well enjoy the pregnancy, and hope for the best.
Rather than focusing on what could happen, I should focus on what is happening. A miraculous pregnancy. A child growing in my womb. The potential of holding our child in our arms getting closer by the day. Even if that day never comes, a glorious thing has already happened, will be happening inside not only my womb, but inside my heart. A love will have grown for someone else, someone I’ve not yet met, someone I may not get to meet, a selfless love that will endure beyond whatever may happen, beyond each day that passes. That’s something worth reveling in every day, something to celebrate independent of what the future holds.
As a self-proclaimed cynic, realist, and consummate worry wart, that paradigm shift will be a hard thing to wrap my brain around. But I’m going to try. Because your state of mind may make no difference in terms of having a healthy pregnancy that results in a healthy baby, but it makes a huge difference in you. I would much rather be hopelessly hopeful and be wrong, then worry my way through what is supposed to be a magical time in my life and be right.
Now the real question is, am I up to that challenge? Until I get pregnant, I’m not sure I’ll have the answer. But, I’m committed to trying, and I’m enlisting you to help me when the time comes. It is never a waste of time to be joyful, even if it is naive.
since i had a previous miscarriage as well as an ectopic pregnancy it was impossible for me to enjoy the first five or six months of this pregnancy. while we sat in the waiting room before our six week ultrasound i got sick to my stomach because i was so afraid that there would be no heartbeat or that the pregnancy would be in my fallopian tube instead of my uterus, so i completely understand how you feel, i have been there. that’s why the online if community is so great, we will be the ones who believe for you when you are too afraid to believe for yourself 🙂
I had the same feeling when I read about Eve’s heartbreaking loss. I thought hitting 24 weeks meant I could breathe easy but now I know that there is no breathe easy. i guess like you pointed out, you can either sit around freaked out the whole time or choose to enjoy what you have based on that information. It’s so difficult though to choose to be content with what you have when your’e so aware of what can happen.
As for having some good days and feeling better on some days, good for you! I know it can feel al ittle guilty but you should be proud. You will always love your little baby and you will always have a place for him/her in your heart, moving on does not mean letting go of the love you had for them in your heart.
Yes. Just, yes.
This post is right in every painful way….you never forget, but daily you learn to love and treasure what time you do have. Every day I delight in how far we have gotten….and every day I have at least one moment of panic…of what will i do if something goes wrong. I have learned to breathe through those moments…but they still happen, every day. Often the blog world, or just the act of writing in my blog helps me through them. We will all be here through your miracle pregnancy, rest easier knowing we are here for you!
I agree, stay in the now and stay positive. You can do it!
Nothing is gained from dreading the worst, its not going to stop bad things from happening, or make it any easier to deal with if things go wrong. That being said, its not advice I have ever been able to take, so I think Katery is right… We’ll be here to point out the positives along the way, you just do the best you can, whatever that may be.
I feel unqualified to comment, never having been through this myself, but I think you’re right that it’s better to try to focus on the joy of the present moment rather than worry about what may or may not be in the future. I also know that’s easier said that done, so I’ll be here too to cheer you on when the joyful moment comes x
well, i understand your trepidation to visit the target baby department, i don’t think i could do it if i were in your shoes, but if for some reason you think you can do it i would go for it because they have a TON of stuff on clearance, i’m pretty sure we saw some pooh stuff.
You know, I did go do it because of the clearance stuff. I was anxious about it, but it actually filled me with hope and excitement. Naive though it may be, I really do believe that we will have a need for all of that stuff sooner than we think. I’m not so hopeless as to think it’s a waste of time. As it turns out, there was a lot on clearance but it all fell into one of a few categories: a) already had it (mostly Pooh stuff), b) it was clothes (not buying those until we know what we’re having when), or c) it was big stuff that I couldn’t bring myself to fork out for right now. Fortunately, I was able to confirm that all of the large items we wanted from Target are not being discontinued. So, for now at least, we are in the clear. 🙂
Thank you for all of your fabulous comments (um, as usual, geesh!). I don’t kid myself that I will be able to rally myself into that positive place on a regular basis. It’s not really my nature, as you know. Thanks for being willing to help me hobble along when I get there, for being so sure that I WILL get there, and for understanding where I’m coming from no matter your own experiences. ❤
i’m the forever optimist, so you know i’ll be chiming in with the unicorns and rainbows!
I’ll take all the chiming in I can get!